logic seems secondary

...busca sus privados puntos y pautas de referencias y aqui y allà va comprobando la validiz o invalidez de sus añoranzas, como una forma rudimentaria de verificar hasta dònde y desde cuàndo su pais personal ha cambiado y comprobar que tampoco èl es el mismo doce años atràs. -mario benedetti


kurosawa made a movie based on dosteovsky's the idiot and i can't help but feel like this silly anti-hero, like the idiot whose innocence knows only good and makes him the pawn of others. he is the illogical bounty of goodness who lacks the shrewdness to maneuver among men. yet he is reedeemed when his pure intentions frustrate the plans of the keen and when the beautiful, jaded woman falls in love with him. my personal movie has no such end, and i admit i haven't read dosteovsky's text, not yet. but considering that most marxists have never read marx and many christians their bible, i am absolved.

two weeks have passed and my pay still has not been confirmed. seño sylvia, the on-site director, radiates positivity, yet not certainty. however, i am not alone. paloma sits in waiting with me.

why do i stay?
1) i do not spend money monday to friday.
2) despite these being two of the hardest weeks of my life, i feel that this is where i should be. in matters such as these, logic seems secondary.
3) if the pay doesn't come through i can use the $700 coming from my cashed pension from UCLA.
4) I have my list of students, the alphabet is up, the reading corner is cozy, and i am living a dream....

...a dream and all its jaded confrontations with reality. to live a dream is to suck from the bottom of the murky waters to flower above like the lotus i wear on my finger. nostalgia is what one experiences on the other side of the puddle. there, while imagining, one reaches artistic, religious transcendence. but returning to the country of exile, arriving to the land of illusion, one lives not in the idea, but in what is.